I'm moving to another city tomorrow to start another phase of my life - college. Everyone keeps asking me, "Are you excited?", and I use one of my fake laughs and shrug and mumble. Is it weird that I'm apprehensive instead of excited about college?
I cannot exactly list out what I'm worried about, but when I think about moving to a new city, I kind of overlook the good things. Okay, I just lied, I can list out what I'm worried about :
making friends, maintaining current relationships, not being able to sing in the shower or whenever I want (this worries me more than it should), laundry, money, homesickness, hair removal means, making friends, etc.
I've never experienced any sort of drastic change. We did move houses once, but it was in the same building, so I'm not sure how far that counts. Same house, same parents, same friends (mostly), same school, same uneventful life, basically.
I get nervous when websites I frequent change their layouts - how am I expected to live in a whole new city, on my own?!
I have of course, looked at the whole thing in a rational way:
College is going to be a new experience for everyone, everyone is going to be homesick, one of my closest friends is going to be in the city, I'll be studying something I actually enjoy.
Somehow this has not managed to completely ease my worries.
As I try to pinpoint precise areas of concern, I realise I'm very attached to somethings.
My family and my friends, for starters. I've never been apart from them.
My phone number, for some weird reason.
I've never been particularly attached to my city, but now that I'm leaving, I just sit on my bed thinking, "I really APPRECIATE this city".
So this brings me to a new crisis. I'm not sure that I can define myself without the things I have around. Who am I without the people I love? Or without my room? Will I be a different person in a different city?
I never thought this was an issue before, because I thought I was a very well rounded individual who could be by herself alone, and knew who she was, independent of her relationships. Unfortunately, that's not the case.
I would try to fix the problem, but considering how emotionally lazy I am, I cannot get myself to decide whether to detach, or just try to grow into an A+ person who has everything under control.
Existential crisis or not, I feel this question has to be addressed:
What makes us who we are? Is it the people we love? The books we read? The music we listen to? Our political beliefs? How we feel about the stars?
When I think about my future self, I think about a void in me, because I won't have my family and friends. But this void presents itself in situations where the world is suddenly deprived of music, as well.
So you are defined by more than one thing.
My dad and his dad believe that we are defined by our morals, and our integrity. My Jejebapa says that it's core values that bring people together. He's sure that no relationship works out in the long run if there's a conflict of core values. I have noticed that people that I'm close to share certain values. I find it a little hard to point out what exactly these values are. But they're not beliefs and opinions - you can have opposing views on abortion and you can have different religious beliefs, but something much deeper will bind you together. While I do agree to some extent with my grandfather's wisdom, I'm sure that values aren't the only thing.
Don't ask me what the other things are, I don't know. I just enjoy posing questions that have no answers. I''ll make a movie about this one day. The colours will be super-saturated and people will convey thoughts with looks.
Apart from over thinking, I have been packing. I can fit everything I own into two suitcases! I'm sure I can make some philosophical connection to my own life; I'll work on it later.
Rookie always has the best advice, of course - I'm well prepared for my homesickness. Also, although it's not entirely connected, I really loved this.
I cannot exactly list out what I'm worried about, but when I think about moving to a new city, I kind of overlook the good things. Okay, I just lied, I can list out what I'm worried about :
making friends, maintaining current relationships, not being able to sing in the shower or whenever I want (this worries me more than it should), laundry, money, homesickness, hair removal means, making friends, etc.
I've never experienced any sort of drastic change. We did move houses once, but it was in the same building, so I'm not sure how far that counts. Same house, same parents, same friends (mostly), same school, same uneventful life, basically.
I get nervous when websites I frequent change their layouts - how am I expected to live in a whole new city, on my own?!
I have of course, looked at the whole thing in a rational way:
College is going to be a new experience for everyone, everyone is going to be homesick, one of my closest friends is going to be in the city, I'll be studying something I actually enjoy.
Somehow this has not managed to completely ease my worries.
As I try to pinpoint precise areas of concern, I realise I'm very attached to somethings.
My family and my friends, for starters. I've never been apart from them.
My phone number, for some weird reason.
I've never been particularly attached to my city, but now that I'm leaving, I just sit on my bed thinking, "I really APPRECIATE this city".
So this brings me to a new crisis. I'm not sure that I can define myself without the things I have around. Who am I without the people I love? Or without my room? Will I be a different person in a different city?
I never thought this was an issue before, because I thought I was a very well rounded individual who could be by herself alone, and knew who she was, independent of her relationships. Unfortunately, that's not the case.
I've wasted so much of my life here making plans.
I would try to fix the problem, but considering how emotionally lazy I am, I cannot get myself to decide whether to detach, or just try to grow into an A+ person who has everything under control.
Existential crisis or not, I feel this question has to be addressed:
What makes us who we are? Is it the people we love? The books we read? The music we listen to? Our political beliefs? How we feel about the stars?
When I think about my future self, I think about a void in me, because I won't have my family and friends. But this void presents itself in situations where the world is suddenly deprived of music, as well.
So you are defined by more than one thing.
My dad and his dad believe that we are defined by our morals, and our integrity. My Jejebapa says that it's core values that bring people together. He's sure that no relationship works out in the long run if there's a conflict of core values. I have noticed that people that I'm close to share certain values. I find it a little hard to point out what exactly these values are. But they're not beliefs and opinions - you can have opposing views on abortion and you can have different religious beliefs, but something much deeper will bind you together. While I do agree to some extent with my grandfather's wisdom, I'm sure that values aren't the only thing.
Don't ask me what the other things are, I don't know. I just enjoy posing questions that have no answers. I''ll make a movie about this one day. The colours will be super-saturated and people will convey thoughts with looks.
Apart from over thinking, I have been packing. I can fit everything I own into two suitcases! I'm sure I can make some philosophical connection to my own life; I'll work on it later.
Rookie always has the best advice, of course - I'm well prepared for my homesickness. Also, although it's not entirely connected, I really loved this.
